Today I officially stopped taking my birth control.
I didn't stop because we're trying to get pregnant just yet- but if we did, we would be so excited! We're still enjoying our time alone though. ;^)
I didn't stop because of some moral objection to family planning. I believe that birth control is a blessing to those that need/use it, and I'll admit it's been terribly convenient to not have to worry about condoms and such.
I stopped because loathing myself was not worth the convenience of popping a pill every morning.
Crying every Sunday because I couldn't fit my brand new dress wasn't worth the lighter periods every month.
Dreading and actively avoiding family gatherings so they couldn't see my weight gain wasn't worth not having a baby before we felt ready.
I'm not writing this post to scare everyone away from ever using birth control pills, because they are very helpful to many people and work just fine with no adverse effects, but all bodies are different, and I felt like it was important to share my story.
Before we got married, we discussed birth control. I REALLY did not want to take the pill because I'd heard stories about women who gained a lot of weight, got really emotional, etc. I didn't want to be one of them. I didn't want to sacrifice the body I'd worked so hard for in order to keep from getting pregnant. If I was going to gain weight, I would prefer it be from pregnancy rather than a side effect of pregnancy prevention. Does that make sense?
I did my research, and decided that I would try an IUD. We weren't planning on having a baby for a while, it wouldn't require any pills, and I wouldn't have to refill a prescription. And- my insurance covered it! I knew the risks, and decided to take a chance. I was NOT going to take a pill if I could help it.
When I went into the doctor's office, I felt confident. I was informed, and I was prepared for anything.
Except finding out I wasn't physically able to get an IUD.
I have a retroverted uterus, which means it tilts toward my spine rather than towards my belly button, like most people. It's also smaller, because I haven't been pregnant before. Having a retroverted uterus isn't a bad thing, and I shouldn't suffer infertility because of it, but my doctor told me that IUD insertion would most likely be extremely painful and it might not work very well because of how small my uterus is. (IUD's are often recommended to women who have given birth previously, because their uteruses are usually more able to keep the IUD properly in place.)
After I was told this, I was crushed, to say the least. I asked what my other options were, and I was given a few samples of the NuvaRing, which I LOVED. Unfortunately, my insurance covered very little of the prescription, so it cost over $100 for a two-month prescription. So after I finished my sample of the NuvaRing, I called my doctor and was prescribed a pill.
At first, I didn't notice too much of a difference. It was annoying to have to remember to take it every single day, but being able to control my periods was nice. Plus, the pills were small enough to swallow without water, which made taking them much easier, as I could take them anywhere. I figured it wouldn't be so bad... Until I began gaining weight.
Now, the birth control is not completely to blame for this. I began eating sugar again, and my eating habits changed to accommodate my new husband's and his family's while we lived with them. Still, I do not believe that I could possibly have gained THAT much weight from making a slight change alone. I went from a size 8 to a 16 in less than 8 months. I went from a medium in shirt size to an XL, and even have had to purchase 1X and 2X.
Going from the best shape of my life to arguably the absolute worst shape has been one of the most painful, gut-wrenching experiences I've ever been through. I've struggled with my weight for my entire life, and watching all of my hard work fade away so quickly has hurt in ways I never thought possible. Many, many nights have been spent sobbing into my husband's shoulder. The kind of weeping where you can't help but make noises like a dying animal. The kind of sobs that shake you until you're not sure how to feel normal again. It's in those moments where I enter a dark place. There's no other way to describe it other than dark, emotionally, mentally, and almost physically. I sink into myself when I enter that place. It's scary and it's complete and utter misery.
I never knew the weight of the word hate until I was using it to describe how I felt about myself. Hate is such an awful word, and it legitimately hurts to say when referencing yourself. The weirdest part of it all was when I would say it aloud, I felt a deep, profound sadness, different from anything I've felt before. It almost felt as though when I said that I hated myself, I could feel God's pain at hearing those words about one of His children. I could imagine Him desperately trying to comfort me while trying not to show how deeply I'd hurt Him.
Since then, I've tried not to use the word 'hate' in reference to myself, which can get difficult, because as the weeks have gone by, I've just gotten bigger and bigger and have lost touch with the girl I used to be. I miss her. I miss wanting to show off my beautiful self, and being proud of how well I took care of myself. I want to feel sexy and desirable for once in my marriage.
And starting today, I'm going to win her back. I'm going to get back to where I was, and more.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is this: Ladies, do your research thoroughly, and after you've done that, go with your gut. There are HUNDREDS of methods of contraception you can use. Don't limit yourself! Condoms may not be your preferred method of birth control, but they can be very effective if used correctly. Same goes with spermicides. Be smart about birth control, and don't let anyone bully or pressure you into thinking one method is better for you than others. Because, let's be honest, some birth control methods are better than others, but often it's a case by case thing. Above all, if you don't want to do something, a lot of the time you don't have to. I wish I had known this when I started the pill, because then I wouldn't have ever TAKEN the pill to begin with! It's MY body, and I get to choose my birth control. And if my birth control ever fails and we are blessed with a baby, it will be just that- a blessing. In the meantime, I will do what I feel comfortable with, and what I feel is best for my body.
Ps- I really hope this post hasn't come off as overly preachy or self-absorbed. I've tried my best to be very transparent and honest in the writing of this, and as such, I think I've used a lot of I's and me's and my's, but it's a personal story, so you're going to get personal pronouns. I hope this post helps someone to be brave, or, at the very least, feel less alone. Birth control sucks, but we're in this together.
Pps- if you or someone you love is looking at birth control options, here are some links I've found to be helpful:
The RxList website is very helpful if you're looking at potential side effects of various birth controls and other medications.
Skinny Mom has some GREAT insight on natural family planning.
There are now some apps that supposedly help gain easier access to birth control.