I have never been the skinny girl.
I will never be able to talk about when I was a tiny, slender little teenager, who never knew just how skinny she really was, because the reality is this: I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. Granted, I've never been over 200 pounds, nor have I accrued major health problems due to my weight. Nevertheless, I have struggled. It's hard to be a chubby girl surrounded by "perfect" figures everywhere you look- magazines, TV, and the girl sitting next to you in your 9th grade English class.
I haven't always hated being bigger, however. In elementary school, I started a secret club for the "fat girls" in our class- a club that lasted for about ten minutes until we were discovered and had to put a stop to it, for fear that someone might feel left out. We didn't start the club because we wanted to hate on skinny girls- it was just a group where everyone felt alike. We all knew what it was like to be a chubby girl in elementary (oh, the struggle!), and it felt good to have comrades.
In 7th grade, I had gotten bigger, but it didn't bother me too much. I told myself that the uniform pants that didn't fit and took me ten minutes to wrestle on around my girth made my butt look good, and it didn't matter that I was overflowing around my waistband; my peers wouldn't notice.
Hopefully they didn't notice my
By 8th grade, I had officially reached the point where my bellybutton was visible through my shirts, because my stomach stuck out that much.
I didn't necessarily care, though. I was still curvy, meaning that even though I had to carefully maneuver myself in between the desks at school so I wouldn't knock something over with my large hips, it was okay. Those child-birthing hips were dang fine!
Eventually, I realized something. I was wearing a size XL while others my age could still fit into children's sizes! I was a size 16 when most of my friends hadn't even cracked a size 8 yet. All of a sudden, I couldn't stand myself. I needed a way out. I just wasn't sure how I would find one.
9th grade came around, and I finally decided to make a change. I made a goal that I would stop eating sugar completely. I had done some research, and I knew how bad it was for your body. I hoped I would lose some weight by doing that, but mainly wanted to see if I could go a whole year without consuming any sugar.
It was hard. It was so hard to say no to the things that I loved and craved, but I was stubborn. I WOULD make it a year without eating sugar. At first, a lot of people teased me about my choice, and tried to convince me to sneak an Oreo here, or taste a brownie there. But I stood firm. I was determined.
And eventually, the most amazing thing happened! I began to lose the weight I had packed on throughout the years. I watched my pant size go from a 16, to a 14, to a 12, and, finally, a 10. A 10!! I was one size away from being in the single digits! I no longer had to buy shirts that were extra large, or even large. I was a solid medium.
As it came time to go to college, I began to panic. I could NOT gain the freshman 15. I just couldn't. I hadn't worked so hard for years to let it all go to waste because I was living on my own. So I made my mind up to be the healthiest I could be, and for the majority of the year I achieved just that. I was smaller than I had ever been, and I felt better about myself than I did in years- I could even fit into an 8 in some clothing brands!
I finally, FINALLY felt good enough about myself to want to highlight some of my best features, so I did. I had a little bit of a pooch around my tummy, but when I lied down, it would disappear and my stomach would be flat- something that was a new sensation for me. I watched with delight as my face slimmed down to reveal cheekbones to rival Kim Kardashian's (in my mind at least), my thighs shrunk down from all the bike riding I was doing, and I was just... Happy. I wasn't skinny, but I was finally in a place where I felt beautiful most of the time.
Then I started going out with Tanner, and we started eating out at restaurants more often, and my bike wasn't used nearly as much as I was more often found in the front seat of his car. One thing led to another, and I started eating sugar after more than 4 years of abstaining. I didn't notice any major changes until one day, after struggling to button my favorite pair of capris, they ripped apart on my thighs. In a big way.
From there it just got worse. I barely fit any of the clothes I had bought in Thatcher, and one by one I watched my jeans rip and tear as my waistline grew. For the record, I don't blame Tanner for any of this. Weight gain is a common thing when you start going out with someone, because your eating habits change to accommodate visits to restaurants, and your significant other's personal preferences. It's nobody's fault. It's natural. But it still is difficult to accept.
I have watched myself grow from a 10 to a 14 in just a few months. It's like I'm trapped in a balloon, but the balloon is me. I can't even look in a mirror anymore. It hurts too much. When I lay down at night, there is a bulge where there used to be a flat stomach and hip bones. A lot of my shirts are difficult to take off because they get stuck around my fat arms. I hate wearing jeans more than anything, because they just don't fit me. The jeans that I bought in a size 13 are now giving me a muffin top, and they cut off my breathing. So I wear mostly yoga pants, or skirts, because they're stretchy and they don't make me look like a busted can of biscuits. I'm not wearing yoga pants because I'm lazy, nor do I want to strike lust into the hearts of men. I wear them because they are more forgiving than my jeans, and I feel like I can hide the fact that I've gotten fat when I'm wearing them. So, for anyone who's personally offended or disgusted by yoga pants, chill, okay? Sometimes they're a security blanket, because they fit when nothing else does.
Do you have any idea how painful it is to watch the body I worked so hard for disappear? I have a double chin again. I hate getting dressed in the morning, because I have to figure out what is going to fit me today, all the while praying I can button up my pants. It. Hurts. So. Much.
One of the worst parts about being unhappy with your appearance, is you're basically not allowed to talk about it. In today's society of body positivity, you MUST love yourself
Feeling fat isn't a thing anymore! You're beautiful just the way you are! Curves are beautiful! Just embrace it! LOVE ALL YOUR FLAWS. NEVER CHANGE.
It feels like I've been muzzled. Every time I've brought up my dissatisfaction with myself, I am immediately silenced.
"You're not fat, you're beautiful! Stop thinking like that. Don't say things like that again."
Why is it okay to discuss our fears and worries until it comes to our waistline? Why do I have to unconditionally accept the fact that I'm getting bigger? Why, for heaven's sake, can I not talk to anyone about the pain I am feeling? Telling me to stop feeling that way just shows that you're uncomfortable talking about this issue and it would be better for everyone if I could just stop.
Sometimes, I need someone to listen to me. I need someone to understand how I'm feeling, and rather than dismissing it with, "but you're beautiful!" offer some support. Remind me that I can do this. I lost all the weight once, and I can do it again. I don't want to be alone, and I especially don't want to be quiet about it.
I think that it's okay to not be completely satisfied with your appearance. How am I ever going to change anything if I just sit and accept the fact that everything I worked for is gone? How will I better myself as a person if I just decide that I don't need to keep trying; as long as I'm "happy"?
It is okay to want to change. And it's okay to be sad about this. I don't hate myself as a person, I just know that I shouldn't have become lax about the goals I had in mind. Emotions, good AND bad, are an important part of the human experience. It's okay to be sad about the inches I've added on.
That will make the disappearance of said inches all the happier.