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A month ago today my life changed forever. Can you believe it? A month ago today, I knelt across the altar from my love, and we covenanted to love each other through this life and eternity. And just like a week, a month has changed my perspective immensely. I've learned so much more in these past few weeks than I thought I would, and it's only fitting that I document it.
Real life hits you FAST. The Monday after our honeymoon, Tanner started work, which meant getting up at 5 in the morning and coming home at 4 pm, completely exhausted. The first week and a half of living like that was rough, to say the least. The rest of the family works as well, so I spent my days alone in the house, feeling useless. Fortunately, I got a job as a hostess at a restaurant, which is great, but I work from 4 pm to 9 pm, so Tanner and I really only see each other in the morning, during lunch sometimes, and the evening when both of us are tired from work. I also picked up another job, babysitting for some sweet little girls. The extra income is nice, especially since we're SO broke, but more often than not I find myself daydreaming about our honeymoon, and wishing we could be independently wealthy so we could spend our days traveling the world, not having a care in the world, and spending all our time together. But this is our reality right now, and I am so grateful both of us are employed, so I'm not going to complain too much. ;^)
Communication is so, so, SO important. I've always thought the two of us had fantastic communication, but we are far from perfect. If I've learned anything this past month, it's that Tanner is not a mind reader, and neither am I. We've gotten into several disagreements where the root of the problem was failure to communicate. My feelings got hurt because I didn't express my desires, and he got frustrated because he didn't express his. In the end, we were able to have a really good discussion about the problem, and we have been so much happier for it, but the issue could have been resolved weeks ago if one of us had swallowed our pride and just talked it out. I just hope I remember that advice later on down the road.
Sleeping together is still a bit of a challenge (I can be a ridiculously light sleeper), but I'm pretty sure I prefer that to sleeping alone. I can't sleep unless I'm touching him, and I live for our late night cuddles. It just feels so comforting holding each other until we fall asleep, and even though waking up at 5 every morning sucks, it means holding each other in the early hours of the morning, which I am always in favor of. I love that boy, bedhead and morning breath included.
Living with parents is hard. I'm just going to come out and say it. But lest you think I am an ungrateful, spiteful human, let me explain. It's hard because even though I'm his wife, I'm not really a wife right now. Does that make sense? We aren't in our own space, so I can't do a lot of things a normal housewife would. Keep in mind that these are things I WANT to do- I'm not some suppressed, languishing feminist who needs to break out of the mold. No, I very much want to be a housewife, and not fulfilling that role is throwing off my groove. I do love getting to know his wonderful family, though, and living rent-free while we get on our feet is a HUGE blessing. But it's still tough to not have my own space. It's tough to have to wear actual pants around the house, too. Hopefully soon we will have our own space, though, and I won't have to wear pants! And I will be able to decorate everything, and take care of my husband fully and completely. I am so excited for that.
Post-marriage weight gain is real, y'all. It's real, and it's terrible. My eating habits have changed right along with my last name, and I have paid for it. I've even started eating sugar again, which has been simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing that has happened. The fact of the matter is sugar just tastes so dang GOOD, and it's easier than you would think to fall into that trap again. Even after almost 5 years of not eating it, my body got used to the sugar really quick, and now I'm having to take a step back and regroup. I hate that I allowed myself to do that! Not eating sugar was a piece of who I was as a person, however small and inconsequential it may seem. Losing a part of my identity hurt, and I've been struggling to get back on the horse and be strong again. Loving my body has also been so difficult. Before I got engaged and the stress (and sugar) did a number on my body, I was the slimmest I had ever been. I was finally in a place where I felt good about myself most of the time. I was eating right, I was active, and I felt so awesome! Now, I have grown not one, but four pant sizes since February, and it's been harder than ever to love myself because of it. I know how important it is to love the skin you're in, but it gets so difficult when you just... Can't. I think I'll make a separate post about this, because it's been weighing so heavily on my mind. No pun intended.
This month, I have learned a lot about caring and being taken care of. Each night when I get home from work, my sweet Tanner has had dinner ready for me. And even though it's a normal thing at this point, I'm still so touched by that sweet gesture every time. Having someone take care of you is the best feeling, and I couldn't be luckier to have someone like him caring for me. He treats me like an absolute queen, and I am consistently amazed by the love he continues to show for me. I've tried to step up to the plate and take care of him as well as he takes care of me, but it's hard to top. He really is so fantastic. I'm so blessed. We both have a long way to go, however. We're both stubborn human beings, and that often means refusing help. Which is like running headfirst into a brick wall, it's so frustrating. Sometimes I just want to scream, "LET ME HELP YOU!!", but then I remember that he is his own person, and I can't force him to do anything. And sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is be patient, which poor Tanner has to be more often than not, because I am not the easiest person to deal with, to say the least. But I'm trying to be better at accepting the help that he gives, and I'm trying to remember that he's taking care of me because he WANTS to, not because he is being told to. It's pretty great being loved by him.
Well, this month has been great, and I can't wait to see what we'll have learned in a year from now! I really hit the jackpot when it comes to spouses.
Let's try for another month!
*photo credit courtesy of Lexi Carling Photography
