I've been engaged officially for two weeks now (holy crap, only 2 weeks? I could've sworn it's been longer...), and in those few short weeks I have done a LOT of growing up. These two weeks have held some of the most wonderful, exciting, stressful, and terrifying experiences I've had in my life.
I've always dreamt of how great it would be to get engaged, thinking nothing of the immense amounts of planning that actually has to happen between the "yes" and the "I do". Really, I had no idea how much I would have to do. So many decisions have had to be made that I haven't even considered (what are we drinking at the reception? I have to plan that?!), it makes me very happy that I am only going to be engaged ONCE, because dang. This is stressful stuff. But you know what? I'm marrying the most perfect boy for me, I get to start living my lifelong dream of being a wife come May, and I am gaining some seriously amazing family.
But the learning curves, guys. The learning curves.
In an attempt to calm myself down enough to sleep tonight, I'm just going to do some serious word vomit and then post it for the world to see, because that's my style.
I have been dealing with some killer self-confidence issues as of late. I'm starting to realize just how very oddly I am proportioned, and I can't seem to get myself to be satisfied with my appearance. I keep finding flaws I need to "fix" before my wedding, which I hate, because I can't afford to be worrying about that. Back when we were dating, I wasn't ever worried about my appearance. Tanner has never failed to make me feel positively gorgeous, but I think the key problem is I knew I was going to stay fully clothed around him. Now that we're engaged, however, I know that those days are over. Once we're married, I will be completely his, and there won't be anything to hide- and honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. But for now, I'm having a hard time accepting myself and believing the fact that Tanner is still going to think I'm beautiful with or without clothes on. I know he's not expecting perfection, but I can't stop worrying about it. Especially with my legs. Real talk: I will do literally anything to avoid shaving my legs. I HATE it. I hate taking the time to do it, I hate how dry and itchy it makes my skin, and I hate dealing with... Everything involving dragging small knives across my legs. So I just don't do it. And because of that, I'm super self-conscious about my legs. So dealing with THAT will be an adventure.
Adjusting to spending the majority of my time with another person has been hard on me as well. I'm not used to being with people very often, especially since I spent the majority of my first semester alone. This has been such a wonderful, wonderful adjustment, and I wouldn't change it for the world, but it is still an adjustment. So making sure I have time to give to my sweet Tanner, and not being alone as often has been an interesting development. It's so interesting to watch how your life adjusts once a person goes from being a convenient, cuddly happiness to a priority who you will someday wake up next to for the rest of your life.
I absolutely adore the new family I am acquiring, but it's come at the price of constantly worrying I'm going to do something wrong and offend them. I know I shouldn't be scared of that, but I just am. I like impressing people and making sure they like me. I'm trying to loosen up, but it's not easy. I'll get there eventually though.
I found my dress today, and I am so very happy with it, but... I didn't go with my mom or my sisters. I went with my mother in law, sisters in law, and grandmother in law, and it was SO FUN, but I can't help but feel like I missed out on an awesome experience. I've always dreamed about dress shopping with them, and even though I am so happy I found such a perfect dress, I'm sad I wasn't with my mom, Like, really really sad I wasn't with her.
I basically just need my mom with me 24/7.
Since becoming engaged, I have had countless offers from people who just want to help, and I can't adequately express how appreciative I am, but I also feel bad that I can't have everyone help. I just don't have that many things I need, so some people are going to have to be satisfied with knowing I love them, and emotional support is really the only help they need to offer.
I don't have all the answers. I have to remember that and be okay with it.
This is only going to be a few more months and I can MAKE IT.
I'm not alone. Millions of brides have come before me, and have had to deal with more than I have. I can make it.
I just needed to get that all out, and I totally don't expect it to make any sense. I'm just dealing with a lot right now.