Self-esteem is an uphill battle- something I struggle with constantly. In fact, sometimes I think I should just rename this blog "Haeley's ramblings about her crummy self esteem", because I'm pretty sure that's all I talk about.
But I digress. We need to get to the juicy part: my problems!
Now, perhaps it's just my hormones. They're goin' a little crazy lately because it's almost that time of month (tmi? Sorry), and when that happens, I basically hit rock bottom. I feel like I can't do anything right, I feel like a fat loser, and I find that I can't laugh at myself anymore- which STINKS because let's face it: I'm hilarious. But I just can't find the energy to laugh at myself when I'm stuck in a pool of self hate. I should say a toxic pool of self hate, because hating yourself will never get you anywhere.
Low self esteem is not as simple as it seems, however. There are so many complicated facets to it- there isn't a single, solitary "type" of low self esteem. I could go into detail here, but let's just leave it at that. The specific kind I'm talking about it a little thing I like to call the "better battle." (I call it that as of 30 seconds ago, when I came up with that term)
What that entails is comparing yourself to others and deciding they are better than you. Be it better overall, or just a specific thing they are better at, it's a harmful cycle, because if you can find one thing they're better at, you can find a hundred. Pinky promise. And who has time for that?
Well, you'd be surprised how much time you have for comparing yourself to others when you really put your mind to it. (please, please sense the sarcasm here. Comparing yourself to others is a bad thing, period. Never schedule it in.) And unfortunately, I spend wayyyy too much time doing just that.
The dating game is a particularly nasty culprit for this kind of thing. For example, I like this boy. I think he likes me, but then I see him talking to another girl. Suddenly, the little green jealousy monster climbs up my back, messes with my vision, and before I know it I've tallied up a long list of things the aforementioned girl is better at than me.
*sigh* She's so much prettier than me. She also always has the cutest clothes on. And she plays the piano, she's SUPER spiritual, and she has probably never said a mean thing in her life. Oh, and she's super skinny. She's the full package. He deserves someone as special as her. Why do I even try? He would be a complete fool to even glance twice at someone like me. She is CLEARLY the better choice. I am nothing.
It hurts me so much to write those words. It is actually making me extremely sad to read, because I realize how terrible it sounds. But in the heat of the moment, those poisonous thoughts make total sense. I completely lose sight of who I am, and I forget that I: a messy, scarred, imperfect person, am worthy of love. All because I think someone is better than me.
Well, you know what? No one is better than me. No one. Not to say I am better than anyone, because that just ain't true. The fact of the matter is this: nobody is better than you or me, but they are different from you.
We all have different skills, traits, and qualities that make us uniquely US, and if we were all the same, life would be so dry. It would be so lame if everyone was really good at the piano! How boring that would be? Concerts wouldn't be a thing. After all, why pay money for something you can do just as well? Our differences balance everything out. It's a beautiful thing, and it doesn't extend to just talents. Appearances, skills, really anything you can think of.
If you had to eat the same food every day for the rest of your life, it would totally get boring. You need the differences in flavor and texture to be satisfied, don't you?
Well, life is like that. We can't all be the same, because life would get so dull if that was the case. Thankfully for us, Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when he gifted us with our differences. I bet it would have been simple to make a whole bunch of carbon copies of the same person, but He gave us our varying skills and abilities in order to make this crazy world work. Isn't that so great? Our inequalities and differences are actually a huge blessing.
I am not supposed to look like the girl my crush is talking to. I am supposed to look like ME. And someday, someone will love me for the crazy, wonderful, mess that I am. Because my differences will compliment his differences, and together we will create something bigger and more beautiful than either of us could do alone.
Yes, I struggle with seeing myself the way God sees me. But I (and all of us) need to take a page from His book and learn of our true potential. We are great. We are beautiful. We are different.