02 03 The Rhineheart Roost: I'm sorry. 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

I'm sorry.

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I am a young woman.

That is a very obvious fact, and it shouldn't even need to be stated, but the thing is, young women are often faced with one of the most self-destructive behaviors known to mankind:

Bodily insecurities. 

I am a young woman with insecurities.

Now, I'm not one of those people who hates on herself all the time. In general, I like how I look, I like what I wear, I like who I am. But sometimes, sometimes, a little monster crawls up my back and takes control of my vision, and suddenly all I can see are flaws. And for some reason, as if my self-destructive behavior and thoughts weren't already terrible enough, I begin to think of my sweet future husband, and I feel so sorry that he is going to have to settle for someone like me. My mind begins to list apologies to him:

"I'm sorry I'm so short. I'm basically dooming our future children to a life of midgetry, and you don't deserve that. They don't deserve that. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not super skinny. I know washboard abs are way sexier than my tummy, and I know my arms are fatter than normal. You deserve a supermodel. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I have a big nose.

I'm sorry I laugh so loudly.

I'm sorry I don't have long, beautiful waves of hair.

I'm sorry I have such a flat chest.

I'm sorry I hate shaving my legs.

I'm sorry I have bedhead and morning breath.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry."

The list goes on. Do you see how ridiculous it is? Most, if not all of those are things I can't control without spending tons of money on surgeries and treatments, and that's just not worth it. I realize it's stupid, but in all honesty, when it's the heat of the moment, it only seems rational to apologize to the wonderful man I'm going to marry, because he deserves better. I don't think that makes any sense, personally. Obviously, if he's going to marry me for time and all eternity, it means he knows everything about me, and accepts and loves me just the way I am. He will love me despite (and maybe even because of) my flaws. That wonderful man is not going to expect to marry a perfect supermodel. He's smart enough to know they don't exist off the pages of a magazine. He knows his future wife will have flaws, and he will love her for it.

Likewise, I know I'm not marrying a sculpted, unblemished god of a man with luscious hair and out-of-this-world white teeth. He is not going to be perfect. And you know what? I already love him. (before you get any ideas, I do NOT actually know him yet.) But I am expecting him to have flaws, and I know that in the long run it won't matter.

We will both have scars. We will both have things about ourselves we would like to fix and can't. We will both need and rely on the Atonement continually, because we are both humans, and that means having challenges and being imperfect. But that's why we're here! We're not here to be perfect from day one, we're here to learn in order to someday reach that ultimate goal of being exalted.

 And my husband and I will be in it together. Two imperfect people learning and stumbling and messing up and loving each other through it all.

So why should I feel like I need to apologize for being a human? I'm not going to grow my hair out to please anyone, because I love how it is, and I can't change my height, or my laugh, or my bodily proportions- and given the opportunity to do so, I would most likely decline. God gave me this body, and it's my responsibility to love and take care of it.

So this will be the first and hopefully only time I ever apologize to my future husband about my imperfections. We accept the love we think we deserve, and if I don't learn to love myself, I can never be with him the way I so often dream about. I need to love myself, so I can in turn let my husband love me as well. I need to do the same for him.

Sweetheart, I am excited to meet you. I am excited to learn all about you, even your imperfections. And I look forward to the perfectly imperfect life we have ahead of us.

~Haeley

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