02 03 The Rhineheart Roost: A Christmas story- or, proof that I cannot bake. 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

A Christmas story- or, proof that I cannot bake.

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I try to do nice things. I really do, I promise! They just hardly ever turn out the way I hope.

Take today, for example.
Today, I decided to make cookies for my YW leaders and my friends, because that's what a wholesome young woman does, right? She makes wonderful cookies out of the goodness of her heart, and naturally, they end up like beautiful Tollhouse treasures, because that's just how everything turns out for girls- because we're naturally gifted in the kitchen. Right?
This is what I was expecting:
Accurate image of my expectations
Perfect image of how my cookies would look in the oven
Flawless representation of how my dough would look
Enjoyment of my perfect cookie as reenacted by an Asian child
Spot-on close up of how delicious my cookies would be.
I had dreams, people. I dreamt of a better cookie- a perfect cookie, filled to the brim with delicious chocolate chips and the innocent Christmas dreams of a happy child. Oh, how wrong I was!

It began simply enough, my quest for cookies. I set about getting the ingredients together, and thought to myself how awesome this was going to be- Just kidding. I kinda knew this was going to be painful. I just didn't know how bad it would be.
I popped the first batch in the oven, and when they came out.... This happened.

I DID NOT PUT BUGS IN THESE, OKAY
They looked TERRIBLE. I wept, wailed, and gnashed my teeth. Even Geneal couldn't maintain composure around my disaster cookies. Of course, she was also slap happy, but that is no excuse. She laughed and laughed at my expense, and as I seasoned the cookies with my tears, I put another batch in the oven.

My second batch was not much better, but whatever. It's the thought that counts, right?
Okay. Lame excuse. But I really was trying to be nice and loving and wonderful with these things.... It just didn't turn out right. Savannah walked in at one point and remarked, "oh my gosh these are the ugliest cookies I've ever SEEN!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!" You gotta give her props for being honest, though. :P
My true feelings
I cursed the cookbook that led me astray in my culinary aspirations.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!" 
I shrieked in my agony. How was I supposed to become a cute homemaker if I couldn't even get cookies right?
I'll probably accidentally kill my future spouse and children one of these days.
This is where my life is headed, I know it. 
But I digress. Cookies were still to be made!! I sallied forth and brought more ugly cookies into the world.
NOT the finished product. They just looked sad on the
cookie sheet, all melting and such.


Still ugly, but you know. Whatever.
I also danced around in the kitchen quite a bit, embracing my sweet moves. Because after all, that is how you bake cookies. 

Geneal pointed out that maybe if I put more flour in the cookies, they might not suck as much. I grudgingly obeyed, and suddenly-
 OH MY GOSH COULD THESE COOKIES ACTUALLY BE PALATABLE?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!!!!!1??!?
Let's hope so. I sent the prettiest ones off without sampling them (except for the one I dropped on the floor. I ate that one. It was pretty okay, I guess.), and with that, I was done!
I should probably mention at this point that I made them without white, refined sugar. Cuz I don't do that crap. I used coconut sugar, and that might be part of the reason why they were so frickin' ugly. Health comes at a price, folks. That it does.

I also decided it would be appropriate to shoot Julia a text documenting my baking failures.

Me: I am literally the worst baker in the history of the whole entire world. Why why whyyyyy

Julia: 
Well, these are my cookies!

Time out. These cookies look like they were kissed by angels and Martha Stewart herself. This is not a fair world. I reluctantly showed her my cookies.

Me:
Shut up.

Well, guys. That is my Christmas Eve story for you. 
Oh! For the 11th day of Christmas, I got a little Christmas CD. Fun stuff!

~Haeley

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