02 03 The Rhineheart Roost: A dive into deep history. And old emails. 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

A dive into deep history. And old emails.

Okay, so have you ever emailed someone only to have a mailer dude named Daemon send it back to you because you were wrong and you suck? I certainly did. I got emails from mailer-daemon@googlemail.com more often than I'd care to admit, and then I decided to have a little fun. I pretended that Daemon was my boyfriend, my best friend, etc. It was fun stuff, guys. Or maybe I thought it was fun because I had no friends. I was only 13, so you'll have to cut me some slack. I was WEIRD. Here's proof of an email I sent Daemon, that I forgot about until today, while cleaning out my inbox:

Hey babe, I've been thinking about you. What colors do you think we should put for our engagement announcements? I've been thinking about it and I think we should do hawaiian flowers with a polka-dot trim. Cute, don't you think? Oh, and when should we tell Mom and Dad about our little 'announcement?' We're going in for the ultrasound next Tuesday so I think it should be soon. They'll be thrilled! At least we won't be like your cousin Mavis, five kids before eloping in Lithuania and not even TELLING the parents where they were? I'm just glad we skipped out on eloping. I can't wait to find out what genders the octuplets are! I'm starting to show, and I'm excited!!! So, honeymoon ideas? What about that little fish shed in Payson? That was cozy. Or maybe we can afford that snazzy cardboard motel in Florida. Anyway, I hope you know that I love you passionately, and I'm looking forward to our little make-out session tonight. :) Save me a spot by the fountain!
Passionately, lovingly, forever Daemon's beautiful and heavenly vanilla-scented girlfriend, 
Haeley almost- Mailer.

(our future children!!!)

Oh. My. Gosh. I am ridiculous!!!! But also hilarious, even at such a tender young age.
I also found another email that's a bit newer, that I sent to my friend, Micah. We were doing a drama scene together and he'd lost his script a few times. I guess I got impatient? You be the judge:
The subject line was SCRIPT... REVISITED.

Alrighty, Micah. This is your LAST CHANCE. If you delete this again, you will be handcuffed to a raging goat, dragged across the Sahara, and forced to eat your own eyebrows.
 This will happen right before AIMS, therefore stressing you out and sending you into a psychotic rant and forcing your mother to make the difficult decision to chain you to an anchor in your third cousin Sandra's basement in Austria, being fed on solely raw eggplant and almond shells.
Why almond shells, you may ask? Because your mother knows how much you like almonds, but because you must be punished, she is only going to feed you the shells.
Eating said shells will only further your insanity, leading you to have strange dreams in which a man comes to you wearing a biker jacket, tuxedo pants, and Crocs. This man is Mr. Bowers, except with an Irish accent and a strange obsession with the Tibetan cuttlefish. Mr. Bowers will advise you on three things:
  1. Be punctual
  2. Always tie your shoes (and don't forget to wear them to school [*cough cough* ninth grade *cough cough*])
  3. And thirdly, never eat fish that was not previously inspected by the FDA.
By following these rules, you will be awarded the GOLDEN EGG OF TRIUMPH, an award previously only given to deceased monks that lived in Kazakhstan. However, this will only be a dream, and you will wake up cold, chained-up, and alone in your third-cousin Sandra's Austrian basement, feeding on slightly soggy eggplant and almond shells, because your mother fears for your mental stability, and decided it was in everyone's best interest to "put you away", so to speak. But do not fear! If you simply:
  1. do not delete this email,
  2. do not delete this email,
  3. do not delete this email,
  4. do not delete this email,
  5. do not delete this email,
  6. do not delete this email,
  7. do not delete this email,
  8. do not delete this email,
  10. do not delete this email,
  11. do not delete this email,
You will be guaranteed success! And our scene will be awesome! Thank you, and goodnight.

See? What'd I tell you? Comedy GOLD, people. Jeez. I need to write a book or something, because I am full of wit and good humor!



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