No, this has nothing to do with the actual time so much as how I'm feeling. I shouldn't be up this late, but I have some things stuck in my head that I would really love to get out of the way.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of waking up and instantly disliking the girl I see in the mirror. I'm tired of not feeling good enough for anyone, and I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I seem to keep running into this wall of faults, and it's impossible to climb over. Every time I think I've got the hang of myself, I slip off the wall and I'm back to where I began: hitting my head on all my problems, and not enjoying my talents and generally feeling worthless.
I feel so stupid all the time, and most of it is because of school. I feel like I'm the dumb friend, the one who's in all the lower classes because she's hopeless. I feel like I'm the girl that everyone smiles at, but thinks I'm more empty-headed than a balloon full of hot air.
And I hate trying to be perfect all the time! I hate taking so much time trying to look good, because then I think people will judge me as vain and only concerned with my appearance.
I also feel so alone, being the oldest child. I wish I had someone to look up to, someone whose made the same mistakes and is willing to share their wisdom. It's so lonely and hard being the first one to do things, and the first one to screw them all up.
It's especially hard because I don't want to tell people my troubles, afraid of being dismissed as a "minor setback", especially when the people I love are going through things that are much harder than self-image problems. I can't open up, it seems, because I don't need to burden them with my petty issues when they are weighed down as is. Why should I bother them? They have enough on their plate. I want to help THEM.
But it's hard and exhausting, and I am tired of being empty. I am tired of being the girl in the mask. I am tired of pretending to be happy, pretending I've got it together when I really don't. I'm broken. I'm drowning.
In the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Toula sums it all up by saying:
"I wish I was braver, or prettier, or just happy. But it's useless to dream..."
It's true, all of it. As Taylor Swift says,
"I just want to feel okay again."
I do, I really do, but I don't know how it's going to happen.
This post isn't meant to beg for your pity, it's not meant to make you feel sad. I just needed to get this out there, because I've been crying into my pillow long enough. It's time to say something.