02 03 The Rhineheart Roost: Phases 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

Phases

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Sometimes, you just get in one of those "moods". You know what I'm talking about: cooking moods, where you want to cook constantly, and learn everything you can about cooking. Or sometimes you get in a "girly" mood- not PMS. I mean girly, like you are obsessed with everything girly, and just can't get enough of lipgloss, purses, shoes, etc. And sometimes you go crazy for weddings.
That would be me right now.
My friend Maelani got married on the 19th, my friend Jackie on the 22nd, and my cousin Kevin on the 29th. Oh, and a family friend's daughter is getting married, too. There just seem to be so many weddings right now!
With so many weddings going on right now, I can't help but become obsessed with weddings! I just want to go to all these receptions, and immerse myself in wedding dresses, cute decorations, cakes, and loving looks shared between the freshly minted bride and groom.
I guess I've just been thinking about marriage in general, actually. I've just noticed how in love other couples around me seem to be lately, I guess. My bishop commenting about how cute his wife is, my YW adviser holding her husband's hand, my dad dipping my mom back into a kiss in the woods, the list goes on. It's times like that, seeing so many different couples happily in different stages of their marriage where I just can't wait to get married. Seriously, I am practically counting down to my eighteenth birthday, just so I can be old enough to marry. Even though I know I won't get engaged for a long time, it's still fun to think about how close I am to being old enough. I've planned my wedding several times over, and I've made decisions on how I would like to be as a wife. Now, I just need it to actually happen.
I hate waiting!
I've also considered my future husband, too. I mean, that's kind of the most important thing, right? Actually having a husband?
I worry that he will be a total gamer, and that he would rather enjoy virtual reality in comparison to me. I couldn't handle having a husband who didn't care enough about our marriage to make an effort to be with me. Plus, with my temper, I would probably do something drastic like burn his gaming console, and what would that do to us?
And what if he has a temper, or is extremely crude? And, while I am REALLY attracted to shy guys, what if he is so shy he doesn't feel comfortable being affectionate?
My biggest fear, however, is pornography. It's so destructive, and so completely addicting, I don't know how I would be able to go on. I already have low self-esteem, so knowing that my husband was more attracted to phony, vulgar images than his own spouse would kill me.
As you can see, I worry about him a lot. Because, weird as this sounds, I already feel like I love him- and I haven't even met him! He is going to be the biggest part of my life, and I want nothing to get in the way of our eternal relationship together.
I also worry about ME as a wife. I suppose it's a good thing I'm still too young, because I don't know how to be in a relationship, really. I don't know how to comfort someone who's had a bad day at work, I don't know how to kiss, and I certainly don't know how to cook a good meal that will make him fall in love with me all over again. But I think I could handle being affectionate. I'm a sucker for being held, and cuddling seems like the best thing in the world. And kissing? I am just DYING to try my hand- er, lips, at it. I'm also a good writer, so I could definitely write him cute little notes that would make him go all gooey inside.
I also worry about being TOO affectionate, but I really don't see how that could be possible. I mean, we'd be married for heaven's sake! Holding hands in public is completely acceptable. I would know my limits- no making out in a restaurant. That's a given. But making out in general is okay, in my opinion- we'd be married, remember?
Gosh I just want to meet that hunk of a man already. He's going to be a total knockout, I can tell. The weirdest idea is that I might actually KNOW him. He could be the boy at Jamba Juice who works shifts on Saturday evenings (yes, there really is a cute guy who works there Saturday evenings. Not that I've noticed), or a lifeguard at the local pool, or maybe even my neighbor- which is the weirdest (and most unlikely) thought of all.
What are your thoughts? Do you obsess over marriage like I do? I haven't even said the half of it yet!

-DQ#1

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