02 03 The Rhineheart Roost: Still not over it. 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

Still not over it.

Dec. 3rd. 8:30 AM.
Shaking, tired, nervous, ready. 
That's how my audition for Seven Brides... Went. I did AWESOME. Best audition I think I've done in a while.
Didn't get it.
Three months later I still can't think about that play without feeling sick and depressed. I feel like such a snob, thinking I should have gotten in, and feeling bitter and sour whenever any of my classmates/teachers bring it up. The worst part?
They're thinking of doing it at the MAC this year- first year they've ever had a play there.
And I'm not going to be onstage, sharing in the excitement.
I'm trying so hard not to be a diva, but stifling all these emotions hurts too much, and I need to talk to someone about it- trouble is, nobody's here and I don't want to make them listen to my sob-story. So I'll just write it here and hope someone has patience enough to read it.
One reason this kills me so much is that in seventh grade, I made a goal to be in every production until I graduated. Well, so much for that goal. I hate not being able to follow up on my goals and aspirations! It feels like I've failed miserably, and that is a feeling that's downright awful.
I know I should be grateful for what I have, and yeah I was Seussical, and yeah I was nominated for a Zoni, but I miss the Heritage experience- the closeness you feel in the cast, the inside jokes that last, and being able to crack play jokes all the time. Not to mention, with AYT there's going to be people you never see again, but with a school play you see them EVERY DAY.
I am going to miss the shared excited glances during play week, when every day during announcements cast members advertise the play, and I'm going to miss the crappy stage makeup we have to wear, and I'm going to miss costume fittings. I am just generally suffering, here!
I don't even want to see the play. Am I a bum or what? I hate myself for admitting it, because I know I should be all gung-ho and excited to support my fellow actors, but it's like rubbing it in my face! I don't want to be in the audience! I don't want to pretend I'm enjoying it!
I know that I'll probably end up going, and I'll probably love it, and I won't regret seeing it, but guess what? This is how I feel right now.
Depression sucks. Period.
I'm going to be done with my diva rant right now. I hope I haven't tarnished your view of me as a performer- because, yes, I DO get bitter when I don't make it into things. So there.

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